Top 100 Things Every Boarder Should Do Before They Die
- Call in sick on a powder day.
Extra credit for using one of these excuses:
“I fell asleep in the tanning booth and was seriously burned over 96% of my body. It’s imperative that I remain naked” (This explains your tan)
“Okay, since you asked: It really hurts when I pee…”
“I don’t know what it is. The doctors are saying it might be an airborne Ebola variant… Yes, I’m sneezing. Should I come in anyway?’
“The plate in my dog’s head froze last night. Right now I’m holding him upside-down in lukewarm water with bendy straws in his nose so he can breathe”
“My great aunt from Vermont just had a nervous breakdown and is picking off squirrels with a .357 Magnum. I’ve got to get up there; I’m the only one who can talk her down.
- Ski these classic runs:
Corbet’s Couloir, Jackson, WY
High Rustler, Alta, UT
Couloir Extreme, Blackcomb B.C.
KT-22, Squaw Valley, CA
Goat, Stowe, VT
Kant-Mak-M, Telluride, CO
Peak to Creek, Whistler BC
- Ski runs just as good, but less well known:
Steep’n’Deep, Monashees, B.C.
Pas de Chevre, Chamonix, France
Big Couloir, Big Sky, MT
Cambodia, Red Mountain, B.C.
Red Square, Vail, CO
Skydive, Fernie, B.C.
- Rent ski flicks in July
- Do a heli
- Rack up 10,000 verts at a ski area with less than 500 vertical
- Be the first one into an untracked bowl as patrol drops the rope
- Give first tracks to someone else
- Put your boots on in August and walk around the yard
- Get countless faceshots
- Tune your mom’s skis
- Ride a T-bar on a snowboard to reaffirm you love of skiing
- Take a nonskiing friend skiing
- Ski naked
- Drive through a raging snowstorm on a lonely road at night not go skiing
- Know how to make a hot toddy
- Flirt with a lifty
- Hike for your turns
And here’s why:
- You didn’t buy a lift ticket with a fine print warning about the skiing at your own risk.
- Nobody is cell phoning his broker in the lift line.
- Everybody you ski with has nice big thighs.
- You can eat brie and burgundy al fresco for the price of a greasy burger in a crowded cafeteria.
- Parts of your lungs get air for the first time in years.
- It isn’t nearly as disfiguring when you run into a tree going uphill
- If you take a big spill, nobody yells insults from the chair above.
- Fun tickets in your wallet don’t keep changing into lift tickets on your jacket.
- After a while you learn to really love the pain.
- You get to ski flawless, untracked powder in solitude, at your own pace, without the rabid feeding frenzy of inbounds.
- Go to France and ride two trams to the Aigulle du Midi, a huge rocky pinnacle at 12,604 feet on the legendary Mont Blanc. Then spend the day skiing the crevasse-strewn Vallee Balance back down into Chamonix. Eat a jambon sandwich along the way.
- Paint your face red white and blue and go to a World Cup Downhill and scream your bloody head off
- Own a chainsaw, cut your own line through the woods. Name it. Ski it.
- Ski under a full moon
- Ski at Aspen wearing camouflage pants, a fluorescent orange knit hat, and a hockey jersey
- Ski at Pine Knob, Michigan, wearing real fur
- Dance in your ski boots
- Lose both skis, gloves, goggles, and all your spare change in a spectacular yard sale under the chairlift
- Take a huge biffer on ice in the parking lot
- Get a letter published in Skiing magazine
- Master the one-finger farmer’s blow.
- Ski with Billy Kidd in Steamboat and with Stein Eriksen in Deer Valley
- Ski on a volcano
Mount Ruapehu, New Zealand
Mount Mauna Kea, Hawaii
Mount Shasta, California
Mount Bachelor, Oregon
- Take a road trip
- Do the Utah Interconnect – On this granddaddy of accessible guided off-piste adventure, you ride slopes and lifts at Park City, Alta, Snowbird, Brighnton, and Solitude and ski the untracked backcountry in between. In a single day
- Get snowed in at a ski resort
- Ski a full day, from first chair to closing bell…all on high speed lifts
- Use a rope tow to reaffirm your appreciation for padded chair-lifts
- Every year, catch a flake from the first storm of the season on your tounge
- Ski until you are over 70 so you can ski free
- Ride around the bullwheel, on purpose or not
- Go to the Winter Olympics
- Get risque in a gondola, preferably with someone
- Do a grab
- Ski at night
- Click into your skis, set at max DIN, and ride on the roof of a moving car
- Go to a Warren Miller movie
- Steal some of those little plastic trays from the resort cafeteria and slide down the mountain after the lifts close – An aside from personal experience; this is illegal, and the ski partol yells really loud if you do it.
- Donate clothing, equipment, money, or your time to a ski program for disadvanated youth
- Write to NBC and insist they devote more airtime during the Olympics to snowboarding, preferably at the expense of figure skating
- Take a hut trip
- Win one of those stupid little NASTAR pins
- Pack 10 people into a one-bedroom condo
- Sleep in your car in a ski-area parking lot
- Scam a lift ticket
- Memorize Squirrel’s lines from Hot Dog…The Movie
- Ski a long bump run without stopping – and nail it
- Ski alone all day, telling outrageous lies about yourself to the people you meet on the chair
- Ski all day with a group of ripping locals. Tell them what you really do
- Own a classic wool ski sweater
- Rely on duct tape to keep something essentail together
- Be a ski bum
- Hike and ski a fourteener
- Ski across a border
Switzerland to france in the Portes du Solei,
Massachusetts to New York at Catamount,
Nevada to California at Heavenly,
bonus points for India to Pakistan
- Make as few turns as possible in a single run
- Make as many turns as possilbe in a singe run
- Jump a cornice
- Ski perfect California corn snow in the spring
- Wear a helmet
- Pond skim during a spring fest; make it only half way across
- Ride down the mountain in a ski-patrol sled
- Later, tell war stories about your injury in the bar
- Cartwheel in deep powder. Get up laughing hysterically
- Ski in a halfpipe, without looking stupid
- Go heli-skiing
- On a sunny June day, hike and ski Tuckerman Ravine on New Hampshire’s Mount Washington. Have lunch on Lunch Rocks like thousands of skiers have done since the early 1900’s.
- Skin in summer in the Southern Hemisphere
- Keep a gummi stone in your pocket
- Try telemarking
- Ski something that scares the holy bejesus out of you
- Wear sunscreen
- Fart in a crowded gondola and blame it on your friend
- Bobsled at Lake Placid; ski jump at Park City
- Ski the Sierra High Route from Mount Whitney to Sequoia park
- Drag a snowboarder on the flats while skiing
- Go on a winter camping ski trip
- Know how to make killer chili
- Do the Haute Route in the Alps
- Do a slalom shot at NYC’s Ski Bar
- Ski a vintage trail: a narrow, windy, Eastern run cut in the ’30;s
- Learn how to avoid dying in an avalanche by taking a backcountry safety course
- Ski in denim…and rip
- Help a stranger find a lost ski in deep powder
- Take a really good lesson
- Ski south of the Mason-Dixie line
- Ski north of the Arctic Circle
- Find a copy of Ski Party. Buy it. Read it. Live it.
- Remain standing while watching eight hours of the 24 Hours of Aspen downhill race
- Transport your skis via public transportation – subway, bus, train (bonus points fro doing it during rush hour)
- Take the “MAD RIVER GLEN: SKI IT IF YOU CAN” sticker off the car of someone you know has never dkied there
- Buy a patch from the ski area you grew up skiing. Sew it on your jacket. Be proud
- Be grateful, everyday, for snow, mountains, gravity, and skiing
This was an article in Skiing Magazine from February 2000